I can't breathe out the right side of my face
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
