mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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