well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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