I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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