There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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