I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I want to fling myself into the sun
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
