Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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