We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
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it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
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I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
This is classic penis vs brain.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
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