my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
No subtext here. People are naked.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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