I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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