There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
