Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
