You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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