Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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