ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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