So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
