i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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