new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize