my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
