winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
