Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
