I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Your shirt... Was in my pants
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
