too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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