I think im going to throw up on grandma
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
