looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
