i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
