I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You had me at "let me see your balls"
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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