Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Sex in the backyard? Check.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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