if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
