you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
