My brain says no but my pants say off.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
