I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
You are the jesus of drinking
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
