Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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