U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
