i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
