The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
