I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
