he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
