Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
