i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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