so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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