He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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