is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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