Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Randomize
