i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
