I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
