I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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