I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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