bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
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