My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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