my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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