I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
