Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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