I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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