I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
