we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!