I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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