did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
