After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You should frame my arrest warrant.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
